I have a cat living with me now...my cat from childhood, to be more specific. I love her bunches. I hate leaving for work in the morning cause she's all curled up on my bed and I want to be there tooooo. I don't know how I'm going to work if I ever have children. Oy.

I am feeling very overallencompassing blah today. I'm super blah about my job. I'm blah about my future. I'm blah about my social life. I'm blah about my evening. And I was definitely blah about getting out of bed this morning.

I'm looking forward to rowing starting up again and am dreading it at the same time. Last year it was the one really fulfilling thing I did. But I'm worried about how tired it will make me and how time consuming it is and I'm worried about keeping my head up through all of it for another season. I feel so tired right now and I'm sleeping enough and have so much more free time (though it's never, ever enough) and so it's hard to grasp adding that huge commitment to the mix. But at the same time, my work schedule will ease a bit and I'll go to sleep earlier. I know it will be okay, but it worries me all the same.

I haven't registered for any fall classes, and kind of just want to forget about it all for awhile. It's too overwhelming to think about, and while I think I want to have the transition and know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm just not that engaged with anything...with the whole process. And I don't know how to connect to it better. I should probably meet with my adviser and figure out a plan. That would probably be a smart move. Maybe I can student teach in the summer at a year-round school. I don't know.

I had an odd weekend. I need to learn how to spend a whole day with someone. Or to plan enough activities to encompass a day. I didn't realize how I was so set in my routine and also that most of the activities I do are quiet "alone" types of activities.

I just keep hoping to figure everything out. To simplify life. To have a peaceful existence, full of quiet evenings and slow weekends. But then when those come around, I get lonely or frustrated or bored. I need some homeostasis. I just don't know how to find it. Blahblahblahblahblahhh.

All in all I only enjoy about half of the episodes. But I think I could watch the season finale a million times.

I should probably re-watch the finale from two seasons ago as well.

I've been feeling kind of ho hum lately. Pretty lonely...you know. I think it's probably just a function of it being summer - and the fact that I'm used to seeing a bunch of rowers every day and having them call me or text me about stuff a million times a day. It's really quiet without all of that. And while I was looking forward to enjoying it, it's left a bit of a void, too.

Also, I kind of feel like all of the people I do hang out with are just friends of friends. I get invited places by people and I have fun, but sometimes feel like a tag-along. And even though I'm sure that it's not a big deal that I'm along, I don't really feel part of the friendship. Like if the link between me and the other friends moved away or was busy or something, I wouldn't be invited myself.

And furthermore, I sort of feel lately like whenever I'm hanging out with someone, there's some other person that they'd rather be with. Everyone has someone else. Or something else...like a dog...or whatever...that is more important. I never really get the feeling anyone really wants to hang out with ME.

This is all probably really stupid.

So my bike got a fourth flat tire in a row on Sunday close to the end of my ride. I sort of hated that, because even though I had a spare innertube and pump to fix it, we had Ashley's dad come get us. We were really close to their house, our final destination, and it was easier that way, especially because I suspect something is wrong with my tire or wheel and didn't want to waste another innertube.

I took my bike to K&G Bike Shop after my third in-a-row flat tire. They fixed the flat, but I guess didn't see anything else. But sure enough, four in a row flat tire. I am taking it back there tonight.

I'm pretty annoyed by this whole thing because it's summer and I just want to be riding my bike all over and I can't until this gets resolved. And I thought it had been. Ugh.

Oh well...at least I have a run to look forward to over my lunch hour!

I honestly don't know how I get myself into the messes that I do. Honestly. My brain has NO concept of how time works. It does have a concept of .5 miles now, however, thanks to my GPS. But regardless, NO concept of time. I agree to do these crazy things that sound not very crazy, until I get to the day I'm supposed to be doing them all. Then I realize I'm supposed to be at work from 8:00-5:30, but at a baseball concession stand from 1:00-8:00 while also cooking dinner for people...presumably before 8:00, right? More like 6:30. And also be going out on the town with someone else around 8:00...while also packing for my vacation and...sleeping?

Honestly. I thought I was doing pretty well with my scheduling stuff. Especially since I got a phone that is also a PDA with a calendar. But MAN. I failed hard core this weekend. I need to start being RELIGIULOUS about CHECKING my calendar before agreeing to stuff.

Also - how I EVER thought running a concession stand at a bunch of ball games during the work week in between two weeks of vacation (one on either end) was EVER a good idea...I'll never know.

I am leaving for vacation on Wednesday morning! I can't wait! I wish I was leaving now! But not exactly now, because I do have a bunch of stuff to accomplish before I leave.

I also have this evening free, and a little bit of free time tomorrow afternoon. I will revel in preparing for my trip during those times :) I love packing when I'm excited about a trip!

1. I hate money. Okay, that's a lie. I wish I had lots and lots of it. I hate not having it and I hate how much of people want for things.

2. I'm actually not looking forward to this summer. I don't really know what I'll do with myself besides work. And I don't think work alone is enough. Plus, it will probably be really lonely. I'm going to miss seeing all of the rowers every day.

3.

4. That being said, I do have three vacations planned for this summer. That is really exciting, right? I hope they all work out alright and end up being fun. Vacation one should be a good time, in theory. Vacation two has the potential of being a good time...lots of relaxing on the beach...but it is with a group of people and is also visiting people, so sometimes those situations are iffy...you know...you have to wait for everyone to get geared up and ready and kind of have to do what other people want to do a lot. Vacation three should be awesome if it all works out right.

5. I think I'm going to stay away from being a swim coach this summer. I'm tired of it.

We leave for A10s today. It's my first A10s experience and I must say I am pretty excited.

We had a good week of practice.

All week long presents for rowers from their parents have been arriving at my house...very hard not to open them all.

All of the planning is in place.

But I have also been WAY keyed up this week in a stressy way. I can actually physically feel the stress in my neck and shoulders. And I don't even really know why. I'm just nervousssss. Probably more nervous that something will go wrong despite all of the planning than I actually am about the racing.

Also, I hate my job this week. And last week. That doesn't help. I wish I either loved it or despised it, but it's soooo up and down.

Okay...all for now...15 minutes until leaving time and I can hardly stand it.

I am.

I wish I could go to Bloomington today for the Dale England Cup. Becky England will be there!

I need a little more sleep in my life.

On the other hand, I'm VERY excited about tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Things are eerily quiet at work, and have been all week. On Monday it made sense, because my boss was out. Things are usually quieter when he's not around. Yesterday and today it's just been kind of dead. It always makes me a litttttle nervous when things are quiet, because even though a quiet day is nice every once in a while, I'm definitely not used to having to look for things to do. And it kind of feels a little like the calm before the storm.

Usually, if things are quiet in the office and I have a little down time, I can find something pressing for rowing or school to do for a few minutes. And not that I don't have rowing or school things or probably even work things that I could be doing, it's different when it's not something that needs to be done now. It's all pre-stuff stuff. Stuff to get ahead of the curve for once. And I'm used to being right in the thick of things. I'm used to either procrastinating or just having so much to do that all of the things I usually do are things that need done right then.

I guess I'm procrastinating right now by writing about how I don't have anything to do and soon enough I'll actually have something to do and be back to being harried. I should take this opportunity to make a change in my life and actually do something that I know will need done before it actually has to be done.

Oh - also - a meeting was scheduled for this morning at 8:00. We don't actually start work until 8:30, so I guess we were supposed to come in early for this meeting. I came in late - I didn't even get here by 8:30, and I guess 1 of the other 3 people wasn't in at 8:00 either. We got an email from my boss saying he and the 1 other person had the meeting and that we would be filled in, but that we need to be more aware of scheduled meetings. This is kind of a joke, because I'd say at least 85% of scheduled meetings either start late or are canceled altogether. I can't tell you the number of times I've come in early for a meeting or to work on a presentation or proposal that my boss needs to have first thing in the morning, only to find that he's not here and I end up waiting around until he does get here and end up crunched all the same. Bah.

So this morning was a bit of an adventure. It was kind of windy on the great Miami and I was coaching a pair. I wasn't paying enough attention while I was coaching and floating in my launch talking about handle heights in a pair versus an eight, etc. and I blew a tad too close to a shallow spot. When I tried to start driving the launch, the motor hit the bottom and petered out. And of course, I didn't have a paddle. We definitely weren't going to be blowing anywhere but into the shore, so eventually I decided I was just going to have to go for it and hop out of the launch, into the river to push us out far enough to start the engine. I probably should have taken my boots off, because they didn't do much but get wet, but I didn't. I just jumped over the side and pushed us back out. But then the engine wouldn't start. And wouldn't start. And wouldn't start. Finally I got it started, but by that time, we'd blown back to the shallow spot so it wasn't long before it hit the bottom and shut down again. So I jumped in the river again and pushed us out really far...like, waist deep far. I managed to flop myself back into the launch without tipping it and my rower over. The engine still wouldn't start right away, but eventually it went on while we were still deep enough to escape.

I guess the point of this story is that on a scale from 1 - 11, my stress level was only about a 3. The water, and air, were surprisingly warm this morning and being wet didn't even bother me until the end of practice when I had to get into my car. I knew I could get the launch started eventually, so I wasn't worried about getting stuck or having to call Derek. The rowers in the pair were smart and responsible, so even though they didn't stop, I trusted that they could navigate down the river and not get run over by the eights. So all in all, I think it was a good experience...something out of the ordinary...something to break up the same old same old. And that, folks, is what I love about rowing.

What I don't love about rowing is a slippery, nearly vertical connect-a-dock that is virtually impossible to walk up without falling (which I did three times, as did one of the rowers carrying the pair...though she didn't drop it because she's a champ). I know we're lucky to have the connect-a-dock, considering that ours was blown away, but falling in the mud is noooo fun.

But I still love rowing anyway.

I really love rowing. And I love being a coach. And I love coaching people who are appreciative and who love doing what they're doing.

I hate feeling anxious and stressed out. Sometimes, I start to feel that way and I'm not even sure what exactly has triggered it. It's partly work...it's partly organizing all of the spring travel for rowing at kind of the last minute...it's partly finances...it's partly just life, I guess. But I'll start out fine and some unknown little trigger will set it off and I feel tired and nauseous and just full pf anxiety for the rest of the day. And it's the kind of anxiety that feels caffeine induced, where I feel like I have so much to do that I can't focus and can't sit still and I'm trying to do 100 things so I can't really get 1 thing accomplished. Bwaaaah.

Okay, calm down. The rowing stuff is fine. I got us a sweet hotel for the WV spring break trip. I'll get us a sweet hotel for the Murphy Cup. I rocked the Oak Ridge planning, so this will be fine.

Work. That's another story. Ugh. There are some things I just wish I didn't even have to think about dealing with like this stupid idiotic postage fiasco. And I hate it when people call me and don't have answers for stuff and I don't know what to tell them because this isn't a problem I even created or really even know anything about. BWAAAAAH!

Okay - I think I found the trigger. Good thing I get to leave in an hour and go rig boats. That will be a fun distraction.

So I'm dog sitting for my boss' dog this week while he's with a client in Las Vegas. Slider is a Golden Retriever and he's so sweet and gentle. I feel really bad for him, though, because he has really bad hips and half the time ends up kind of dragging his back legs behind him. Because he has so much trouble walking, he doesn't really do much of it. This morning I had to coax him up to even get him to come over and eat and go outside. Poor guy. It makes me a little sad.

Today I had a meeting with Alan and Bob over at Care Source. They are in the process of moving into a new building, but our contact is already moved, so we met there. It was SO nice. The fact that not many people were around yet made it seem especially nice as we got to walk around and tour everything in a nearly new state. The building is right on the river in downtown Dayton and is all glass on one side. It's 9 floors and Care Source owns it all. Everything about the building was really well done. They have bamboo floors, TONS of art, all from local artists, cool textured walls everywhere you look. On the second floor they have their own Boston Stoker and a food court with really yummy sounding foods. Then, out by the glass windows overlooking the river, there are lots of cafe tables and flat screen TVs and seating areas. It reminds me a little bit of a student union. There is also a gorgeous patio that people can use when the weather is nice. How luxurious!

We also went up to the 9th floor, where all of the top executives have their offices. Also gorgeous!!!! And a great view of all of down town.

Man it would be fun to work in a building like that. There are definite advantages to being in a small company, that's for sure, and I don't really even know how I'd like working in a large one. But the thought of having so many people in one place...and the potential of meeting new people every day at lunch or in the course of a project...is kind of cool. One thing I don't like about a small company is the limited nature of new social interactions. It has it's advantages...I know everyone here really well.

After today, I'm a little less happy about my new office. Oh well...I can dream :)

I hate this part of winter. Everything seems so hard. I know I need to be working out, but it's snowy and cold and it gets dark so early. And I don't feel like doing anything at work or with rowing. All I want to do is be lazy, but then if I'm lazy I feel worse because it doubles the blah and adds a layer of guilt. Part of me wishes it was summer all the time, but I really do love having four seasons. I just wish the winter didn't feel quite so long.

Here was my sick plan for work:

Had a really long week last week. Was gone all weekend. Didn't have class Monday afternoon. Hmm. Perfect time to be sick. Work Monday morning, have off Monday afternoon, all day Tuesday, get to watch the inauguration in my PJs...perfect.

But then my PJ-watching plans fell through and I had to come to work. Was supposed to have a big meeting. Ended up not needing to go. Stayed all day at work. Felt sick for real.

I felt really horrible yesterday, but there it was definitly not a day that I could take off. I wanted to take off today, even though I'm feeling better than yesterday, but another big meeting. I didn't even get to dress casual.

I've been pushing the zicam and got to sleep in a little bit today. I actually woke up before my alarm went off...I set it for 7:45. So even though it wasn't really sleeping in, it kind of felt like it a little. And I feel a lot better now than I did yesterday. That zicam stuff really works.

The only problem is, I still want sick days. I almost wish I was getting sick so I could take some sick days and get some sleep and all of that. Bah.

Oh well. I guess taking sick days isn't as fun if you're actually sick. I should be thankful :)

I was planning to be sick from work today so I could watch the inauguration. But there was this big meeting this morning that I was supposed to attend. And my mom, who I was planning on watching the inauguration with, decided she needed to make a trip to Coco's today, so she said if I was working, she'd take me to lunch there. So I guess I'm working. Only I don't have to attend the meeting now. I mean, I have other work to do, and Leslie is out sick, so it's good that I'm here. And practice was from 6-7 this morning, so I got to go home and shower and get ready and all of that before work, which is nice, because normally I go straight from practice and I definitely don't get up and get properly ready at 5:15. And on mornings that I don't have practice, I still have trouble prying myself out of bed, so I don't get properly ready on those mornings either. It feels nice to have time in the morning to shower and dry my hair and pick out clothes and get coffee. I wish I had enough willpower to make that happen every morning on my own. I really need to stuck to a running routine on Wednesdays...get up at 6...run till 7. Then it'd be the same scenario, PLUS I'd be getting the relaxed getting ready time. Getting up earlier actually makes me less tired and makes my whole day more bearable. Yes. I should try out that plan.

HAPPY INAUGURATION DAY! I will watch Barack on DVR tomorrow and will enjoy every minute of it.